History's Mysteries

Okay, this is one of those posts where my initial warning is especially pertinent. Gregory is not an idiot! He just has different information. Information that, incidentally, reeks of Isodore of Seville, who has some bat-shit crazy Etymologies with which some people are familiar. They are, however, exceptionally well-reasaoned, which is pretty true here as well.

Gregory has a problem (one that I am pretty sure is unique to Gregory alone). He's noticed these giant, miraculously well-built stone structures in Babylon. No, not that Babylon, the other one, across the Nile. They're wide squares at the base, and then come to a point at the top. You know, like a pyramid. Where did they come from?

The real question for Gregory is actually, "Who was especially awesome in Egypt several thousand years ago?" And the answer is, of course, Joseph. Resume items include: sun, moon, and eleven stars all bowing down to him. The over-the-top symbolism, it burns us, but made Gregory's choice pretty easy. There's this Christ-foreshadowy figure a couple thousand years ago, and there are these buildings of unsurpassed magnificence and indeterminate age. Gregory puts one and one together, and attributes the building of these strange, geometric edifices to Joseph.

Actually, maybe Gregory's not too far off. If you believe that the Pyramids were built by slaves, and that the Israelites, Joseph's flock, were slaves to the Pharaohs, it's totally plausible that people related to Joseph did the heavy lifting.* The only real problem is that Gregory puts the enslavement of the Israelites after the death of Joseph.

Problem one: solved. Problem two: what the hell are they? Graves of kings? That's no good. We need something practical; something Christian. What do you usually put in your largest structures? Oh, oh, Gregory knows! Corn.

It's so simple! You simply elevate your corn five hundred feet, stick your funnel in the pointy part at the top of the pyramid, and pour away! Joseph was so clever.

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*Alarmingly, this logic might also bolster the Pyramids-Built-by-Aliens theorists, if you simply assume that everyone in this story is an alien. Those people don't need my help; they have The History Channel.