I've Heard That One Before

I have already misled you. Today's story is only medieval if you squint really hard at the 5th century and remember that this is not so much a "Stories from Medieval History" blog so much as a "Stories Told in Sources from Medieval History" blog.

Still, it is definitely within the category of Late Antique/Merovingian, which is good enough. You're going to have to pretend even harder, later, so think of this as a warm-up.

You know that weird tingling feeling your leg gets in the middle of the night, and the only way to get rid of it is to go to the church and pray? Me neither, but Bishop Eparichius was apparently pretty familiar with it, since he slept in the storage closet off the chapel.*

On this particular night, Eparichius (Richy, from here on out) goes out in to the chapel, and there's a nubile woman lounging in his bishop's throne. Surrounded by demons.

"Hello there, Tiger."

The bishop looses it. "Oh my god. OH MY GOD. Why are you everywhere, Devil? You just wander around slathering defilement on things and now you're slutting all over my church, and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE."

"Haha, you said slut. You have impure thoughts about women! I'm telling."**

The prostitute/devil/woman vanishes with her entourage, but the Richy's anger turns to panic. Shit how did s/he know? I had better build a monastery on top of a mountain or I am going straight to Hell.

And then the Bishop had a nice retreat there at Lent every year, and conquered his insatiable lust for woman-flesh.

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* The sacristy, to be more specific, which is kind of weird. Gregory explains that the church just didn't have much land, but Clermont-Ferrand, Eparichius' seat, was not an unimportant bishopric. HEY CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE THE BISHOP OH SORRY WE DON'T HAVE A ROOM FOR YOU SLEEP IN THIS CLOSET BUT HOORAY BISHOP, RIGHT?

**Does anyone else think that this is oddly Freudian? Not to be anachronistic, or anything.